Love Thy Neighbor

If there’s one thing you know about me, it is that I hate talking bad about people. But the “Sandwich Artist” on Main Street is a fucking retard. And I don’t mean that as a euphemism. I’m just lucky that the peach-fuzz moustache on his man-child upper-lip caught the snot dribbling from his nose before it leaked all over my sandwich. Wait, did I say sandwich? I meant cold-cut salad in a bread bowl with mayonnaise and mustard dressing. This is the only time in my experience of ordering Subway sandwiches that I have had to go over a “Sandwich Artist”’s head and complain to management because I honestly thought that the chaos he had shoved into a bag with napkins would explode in my backpack on the way back to work. I’m sure he keeps his room clean and is kind to others at the Halfway House, but that doesn’t mean I want him preparing my food.

And to the 20 year old white guy I passed on my way back to work who was wearing a leather jacket and a doo-rag, what, did they have like a totally wicked ahsome sale at the outlet mall?



Often I like to wait until the afternoon to grant the highly coveted CCHOD award. It’s not always obvious that a headline is going to be the front-runner by the end of the day, because what if something even more interesting happens? Like, maybe you see a headline in the morning that reads “Woman Cannot Find Keys For Hours” and that’s pretty fascinating, but if you wait until the afternoon you might find “Planters Forced to Apologize for ‘You’ll Love Sucking Our Nuts’ Campaign” and the choice is obvious.

Today, though, the Corporate Casual Headline of the Day came early, and it came with authority. Even with the most obvious winner, there is always the fear that it will be overshadowed by the afternoon’s events. Not this time, my friends:

“Pregnant Debra Messing Craves Everything”
(taken from the New York Times)

I’m not even going to comment on this one, lest I tarnish its perfection.

Smooth Operator

I think I would be a good car salesman. I don’t go for the hard sell the way some of these slick characters do. I let the customer get comfortable, bring them into my confidence, and then I say one sentence. That’s all it takes, one sentence and they’ll sign anything I tell them to. I could sell water to a drowning man, which is not an easy thing to do because they are drowning and it would seem that water is the last thing they need, but I could! Bucketfuls! Have a seat. They sit. You like that car? They nod, but then indicate that it’s a bit pricey for them.I’m sure we can work something out. They hesitate. There is hesitation in their eyes. I give them my pitch:

“Buy this car, or everyone will know that you are a faggot.”

If they are a lady:

“Buy this car, and I promise you will be engaged to a Jewish doctor within six months.”

I’m moving cars off the lot like a diarrhetic moving bowels.


Spell-Checka Deck

I know that before they were famous, a lot of rap stars couldn’t afford a computer because they were poor and living in the ghetto, so I would like to offer my services as a spell-checker. The following is a list of the corrected names of your favorite hip-hop stars.

Big Boy
The Brat
Buster Rhymes
DJ Enough
Easy E
Erika Badu
50 Cents
Fabulous Five Freddy
Ice Tea
Inspector Deck
Jeru the Damager
Killer Priest
Criss Cross
Little Bow Wow
Little Cease
Little Kim
Little Romeo
Master Killer
Memphis Bleak
Michelle Ndegeocello
Most Deaf
Old Dirty Bastard
Pepper (of Salt and Pepper)
Sanitary Swab (Q-Tip is a registered trademark, sir)
Snoop Doggy Dog
Sticky Fingers
Young Bloods

There you go fellas (and ladies). I think you’ll find rap is even more fun when it is grammatically correct!